I, I dreamed a dream

and when I woke up I was screaming.

So last night I dreamt of lance, for the first time, I think. And maybe it's my body's way of trying to process things - I say body, but I suppose I mean the brain part of my body, mostly. Because it's funny how things change when you can't have them anymore, for one reason or another. Because as long as I thought Lance was a super easy thing for me, when I was a thousand times out of his league AND everyone else knew it too, we were fine to be casual. I was fine to be unattached and freed. I was even negative, to the point of not going there again. He wasn't even close to good enough.

AND THEN as soon as this hot little cookie - I use two out of three of those terms loosely, in this case - comes into the picture, before she's even his wife, or his ex-wife, or whatever the stupid term may actually be, I am suddenly next to him at the bar, batting my eyelashes and throwing my best "yes, the sex is great" glances and monopolizing his attention...on purpose.

So, like always, there's a light side and a dark side: the light side is that apparently I've still got it IN SPADES, because I was so successful with these maneuvers that girlfriend was shut out enough to play the only card she had, which, at the time, was definitely trump. Yes, I'm talking about the marriage shocker card. Followed closely by the possible kids, "oh you need closure?", and the text card, all played by text - from lance's own phone. From her. In case you're wondering, we're moving into the dark side now. The dark side is I lost that battle, the light side is that I could win the war if I wanted to. I think. I have to keep telling myself that, otherwise I'm not sure I could live it down.

The REALLY dark side, like the inky black so murky it might be deeper than I know, is that I'm not sure whether I want to win the war. Like, I know I SHOULDN'T want to, and I know this would be sort of a vietnam victory where no one actually wins and the "victor" only comes out worse for "winning", but I don't know what it is that makes the war look attractive. After all, it's 35, hosts trivia, acts like it's in college - well, ok, acts like it's a DOUCHE in college - and doesn't treat me that well, beyond the actual night of AND completely disregarding any mention of spousal connection. Current or not. I must go on this post now, but I feel like I'll be back.