goddamnit

I hate how chad makes me feel so much better when I talk to him - and how I automatically feel calmer and happier and cooler for about five seconds, until I realize that there is something for me to feel self-conscious about, like being on the phone for too long, like not keeping it short enough, like the weird way he says goodbye. And it's not like the boys I like give a damn about those kinds of things, which makes it a little bit worse in a way because not only do I feel like an idiot over something with them, I also know that even if they thought about it long enough to feel like an idiot with me - which they wouldn't, because I never like that guy - they wouldn't even care that they DID feel like an idiot for a second. I hate that I even give that conversation a second thought, let alone the significance to influence how I feel about other things, not to mention the on-the-spot analysis that automatically prompts me to record this emotional outpouring on my blog. Because the thing is, they stop giving a damn about you as soon as they realize you give a damn about what they do - if they even gave a damn in the first place. It is irritating to me that I care about what this person thinks enough to analyze a less than four minute conversation on the spot when he has so many other things goinbg on I'm basically lucky he answered the phone with half his attention. I sincerely hope that I look a lot more badass to the rest of the world than I feel some of the time. I just need to work on this cool and aloof and busy thing, because the honesty and joy of feelings and happiness are hard for me to resist embracing hardcore. Which in itself is embarrassing. Man, if I were a leo I wouldn't give two shits about this. My gemini mind needs to take a leaf out of the lion's book.