Dear Joel

Joel Stein. Long have I desired to send this man a letter (in which I would, of course, effortlessly and eloquently convince him of his immediate need for someone such as myself - namely, myself - to fly to his various locations alongside him - and in his place, if the need arises - in order to learn the craft he practices with such extreme excellence)

Unfortunately, I am always waylaid by various obstacles, sometimes one at a time, sometimes all in one sentence. The latest one is the two minutes I just spent trying to think of a better (and grammatically correct)phrase to replace 'extreme excellence'.

But how would I begin such a letter? And what to include? To emulate his witty and hilarious writing style, which I sometimes use in personal essays and have found to be a great asset to my writing arsenal, or to somehow, more subtly, give evidence of my extreme appreciation for his existence? (hopefully without saying "extreme appreciation" or "existence"...see, another TWO obstacles throws themselves in front of us.)

But then, I think, what if I just pretended to be related to him? The facts check out, as far as we have the same last name as all the other Steins in the phone book. Although I suppose it's too easy to call lori and michael and realize that they are not the Steins of Staten Island, New Jersey, or wherever it is Joel was spawned. I think the next step is more precise research into the facts I have collected about Joel Stein before we can proceed with our actual letter composition beyond the piecemeal genius that lies in our shoe box.

Oh. If you have any suggestions for my Joel Stein letter, know that my own ideas currently occupy a shoebox under my bed and any additions and all are always welcome.

One day, Joel Stein, we will send your letter, and you will LUFF it.