on the verge or slipping over

so recently i feel like i'm consistently on the verge of tears, and i guess it's just a culmination of little things (things that don't seem so little to me, but i guess they are mostly pretty little)and bad timing. I don't know if it's andrew's birthday on saturday that has me so on edge this whole week, but I'd like to think it's not. I mean, it's a pretty touchy subject for me, and it still drives me to tears a lot of the time, although it is at least less often than it was at one point. I guess technically it's also more often than it was at once point, but suffice it to say that I try not to think about it and when I do I probably only cry like a quarter of the time. I guess it's just inconvenient timing to feel sort of lonely and alone on top of that quarter of the time.

I saw chuck on wednesday for the first time since before winter break, so that was good. He's neat and stuff, you know. The usual. And I do see storm twice a week at least, and that's a bright spot for me. But he's spending a lot of time - well, basically the specific saturday that I wanted him to occupy my time and take my mind off of andrew - with emily, and sometimes I feel like we spend more time together than he's super into. I don't know, maybe I'm just being paranoid about that, or overly sensitive or something. I think pretty much what it is is that I'm acutely aware of the fact that I really need him to be my friend a lot more than he needs me to be his. Or at least I think so.

And I had been hanging out with my brother a lot lately, but he's been...busy I guess. And I sort of feel like I'm imposing my presence on everyone and that no one really wants me around. Earlier this week my dad made that comment about being ok with me disowning them for the rest of my life and moving out, which he later justified by saying that he meant that if that is what i needed to do to succeed, he would be ok with it. Which I guess is supposed to be the ultimate sign of caring for someone, that you would let them go if that's what they needed to do, but even after his explanation it still kind of hurts my feelings. Sort of made me feel like the need/care is one-sided. Like..leave if you want to leave, if that's what you need, I'll be ok. Yea, I think it really hurts my feelings.

And then today in the car...well technically I guess in the Salvation Army, Lori made those comments about herself and how hard it is for her when I tried to talk to her about being nervous about Roo's birthday and my hesitant plans to go to Madison's house on that night instead. I was really struggling with the emotion of it, as well as the logistics of going into that social situation where I kind of have a lot going against me before I even walk in...I don't know anyone there, I'm not drinking and everyone else is, I can't drive myself so my parents have to pick me up and drop me off, I have to be home kind of early compared to everyone else...you get the idea. So what I was really looking for was someone to tell me that it would be fine, and that they believed in me, and that I'm doing a good job. Instead Lori told me it's so hard for her when I go out because she thinks I never take care of myself and it stresses her out, and maybe instead of going out I should go to meetings - here she's talking about AA meetings - instead, and that it is just so hard for her. And then she gave me this long-suffering and pained look that made me both sorry and incredulous that I had ever turned to her to make me feel better about anything. So basically I ended up feeling like any confidence I had in myself to go evaporated AND that my mom had no confidence in me either, that I would be hurting my mom by going and trying to make new friends because she would be so worried because of this distinct lack of confidence, AND that all of the progress I've made and the good things I've done are completely irrelevant because she - and presumably my dad as well - still sees me as this epic fail who is just going to go out and get wasted and fuck everything up. Which was great, because I might as well have been drinking and going crazy for the past six months instead of being good and responsible and mindful and careful and bored as hell, because apparently I always fuck up every time I go out no matter what I actually do. And then on top of all of those things, it also made me feel like I was stupid for asking for my mom's help with something, and that I really had no one there who cared about or understood my feelings instead of just thinking about their own damn selves.

And then tonight, well, just now really, I was downstairs...well I'm still downstairs, but now I'm sitting in my parents' room - I was sitting on the couch in front of the t.v. and nathan came down and said he wants to watch his show. Fine. But then he asks me to leave, because he wants to watch his show by himself. I was just sitting there, and I wasn't bothering him at all. And I was in the room first, why should I leave? Eventually I just left because I hope he'll hang out with me later instead and I didn't want to make him mad at me so he wouldn't play with me later. Pathetic, right? I don't think there's anything that wrong with me, so why is everyone else so dead set on getting the hell away from me?

And I guess I'm lonely too because jennings isn't in town this semester since she graduated, and because teh justin also has his own life and old friends to catch up with, and an old support system to be re-established first. So basically I'm jealous of the people who work at jennings's bank, storm's girlfriendnotgirlfriend emily, my brother, my brother's life, and his friends, everyone who ever gets to talk to andrew, anyone who can say happy birthday to him, zander, jb, and new emily.

I hate that times like this really make me miss andrew like my heart is dying..because I know exactly what he would say and how little I would have to explain to him. And I hate that it continues the pattern of me needing or wanting other people more than they need or want me, and I also hate that he's gone right now, and I hate that I hate that.

And also my eyes hurt.

little one, over and out t-too.